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The teenage years can represent the greatest challenge in parenting. Jewish philosophers point to two major transitions that take place when growing up fast. The first one is from the womb to the world. This is a transition that is traditionally well supported and managed.
The second transition is from childhood to adulthood. According to Jewish philosophers this begins at the age of 13. This transition is one where parents can often be perplexed by their children's reactions, unsure how to parent or even if to parent at all.
Increasing boundaries, increasing responsibilities As children grow older their sense of freedom grows.With increasing boundaries come increasing responsibilities.When they are still children, you make every decision for them, what they are allowed to do, when and with whom. All of this is part of their training and preparation for adulthood. But a young teenager is no longer a small child, dependent on you for all their life choices. He or she is now a young adult capable of making independent decisions.
As such you should be seeking to negotiate boundary lines with them and even the penalties for crossing the boundaries. As mature adults they will not have your input on these matters for ever, but you hope that they will make wise decisions, based on all that you have given to them. It is important to begin to allow them to start to make some of these decisions. A large part of being an adult is about being willing to take responsibility for your own actions. All actions have consequences; a wise adult is aware of these consequences before setting out to do anything.
Of course this does not mean that we allow our young adults to do whatever they please. They can't stay out partying every night. But it does mean that you need to enter into a dialogue with your children.
The real right to hold such a dialogue comes out of building a strong relationship with your child. Some of this relationship will have formed in the earlier years as you took time to listen to all they had accomplished. But now there needs to be a new shift in the relationship, towards friendship.
In this friendship you are the older and hopefully wiser friend and want to share some of your life experiences and mistakes to help guide, though not control your younger friend. In this constructive relationship you are seeking to build the young adult in your care, not to knock the child into line. This is all part of transition from childhood to adulthood. It does not happen overnight, but it should be what you work towards.
All parents have dreams and visions for their children. But all children also have dreams for their lives. One mum had a desire for her teenage son to be a lawyer. One day he turned to his mum and said, "I don't want to be a lawyer, I want to be a TV presenter". Shocked, the mum went away, with her dreams shattered. She returned to him a few days later to discuss what it would take to be a TV presenter and to see how they could start to work towards his dreams.
This affirmation and simple listening to her son enriched the relationship between them. They became more like friends and were less in conflict.
So how do you listen to your teenager? In everything they say they are sharing their frustrations, their emotions, their dreams and their struggles, but only if you take the time to listen to them. Even an angry reaction to a boundary you have in place can be an opportunity to share at a deeper level once things have calmed down.
"I noticed you were really angry when I told you needed to be back by 9pm. Did you feel restricted? Can I explain to you what my concerns are and see if we can do something about them or come to some compromise."
If they make a comment such as, "You never have time for me", make sure that you make time for them - that they feel you've heard them. If they know you will listen and are non-judgmental, they will be more likely to share things with you, so that you will have an opportunity to influence them. Know their friends
One of the greatest influences in the lives of teenagers is their friends. As a parent you have a duty to find out who those friends are and to get to know them. If the friends are all around at your house playing you know more what they are up to than if they are out on the streets.
Understand their weaknesses (while perceiving them as an adult) and pray for them.We all have character flaws and younger people often have more flaws, as character is grown over time. Take hold of specific weaknesses you see in your children and pray them through. If you have cultivated a relationship with your teenager you will be able to talk about it with them. But be prepared to allow them to point out your weaknesses too, as you seek to develop your friendship with them.
Encourage your teenager to be actively involved in church as much as they desire. Go out of your way to nurture their life with God. Buy them whatever Christian music they ask for. The more input they are willing to receive the stronger they will grow in God. Part of letting go of your child and allowing them to be an adult is to let them meet with God for themselves, through the influence of others.
There will be times when you will have to restrict your teenagers. In all that we have said about discussing and giving freedom, boundaries will still be needed to keep your child safe. But if you enforce the boundaries in an environment where things can be talked through and reasons for the boundaries are clearly explained and where love and respect exist between a parent and child, then there will be a greater willingness to accept the boundaries.When you treat them as adults many teenagers will rise to that level of responsibility.
As you guide your children in this key stage of transition, remember, it requires as much wisdom, patience and prayer as the first transition from womb to the world. Enjoy your teenagers as you help them to reach their potential in Christ.
