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Discipline is an important aspect of discipleship and when it comes to discipling our children, it is often at the forefront of parent's minds. Many adults look back to their childhood days as the time when they were made or broken, and, often, it incidents of discipline that stick in their minds. As adults it is therefore vital that we discipline our children correctly.
Johnny walks in from school and leaves his bag in the hallway, just as he has done every day since the start of term. But, unknown to him, today, things are different. Mum has spent all day cleaning the house and does not want any clutter left in the hallway. When she discovers the bag lying untidily on the floor she shouts at Johnny, giving her a piece of her mind. Johnny storms off angry. To mum, cleaning all day, it is obvious why the hall should be kept clear, but not to Johnny.
It is so important that the boundaries around our children remain the same from day to day. Of course, as children grow up, the boundaries move to a level that is consistent with their age. But if they are always fluctuating, your children will not know what is expected of them.
Keeping consistent boundaries may seem easy on paper, but in reality it's not as easy as it looks.
Dad had a hard day at work. Funmi has been playing on the computer for the last 2 hours. Normally she is only allowed to play for an hour on school nights, but tonight dad is too tired to intervene. Funmi is pleased she is getting away with it, and will keep testing the boundaries in the future as there may be another day where mum and dad are too tired to stop her.
When we are tired, it is easy to let our children get away with things that we would normally put a stop to. Children feel safer when they know that the boundaries around them are secure. On the day of the London bombs a head teacher in London called together his staff and instructed them to continue with business as usual so that the children wouldn't be unsettled.
One study looked at how physical boundaries affect primary school children. First, the researchers observed children playing in a playground. The children filled the playground. The next day when the children came out to play the perimeter fences had been removed. The children all huddled together near the middle of the playground. The following day, with the fence back in place, the children once more played right to the edges.
In the same way, no matter how we feel and what we are going through it is important to try to be consistent in our expectations of our children.
Alex puts his feet up on the table. Suddenly he is shouted at and sent to his room. He does not understand why, as normally he would just be reminded to put his feet down. He feels unsettled by the change in the level of correction and wonders what is wrong. He also feels unfairly treated as his sisters always seem to get away with it.
As part of raising our children in a stable environment it is important that any correction we give to our children is consistent. This means that we should act, not react. Again the theory sounds great; however, most parents I know feel they have failed in this area. Maybe they have at times lost their temper, or reacted out of frustration instead of love.
This brings us to the core of effective discipline: our character. Since children model all that we do our character should be flawless. The model parent never feels anger towards their children, just a loving concern and desire to gently guide them. So if you are frequently frustrated by your children, then the starting point of discipline is to discipline yourself and not to take it our on your children!
To dump our emotional deficiencies on to our children will not help them to correct their behaviour, or develop their faith. Instead, as we grow in character and godliness, our children will imitate us.
Discipline is not about barking out orders to a child; instead it is about shaping their character. That is why it is always more effective to discuss issues with your children rather than commanding them. Once children understand why you expect them to behave in a certain way, most will gladly fall in line most of the time. Or, in response to your calm requests, they will give calm explanations as to why they do not want to comply which can be the basis for further discussions.
Even if you were the model parent there will undoubtedly still be times when your children let you down and refuse to listen. In such cases it is helpful to have in mind a simple step-by-step approach of what to do next. This will help you to act and react.
Disciplining is not an easy part of parenting. Someone once said the only "experts' in parenting are those with no children and grandparents. However, by keeping it simple and growing in godliness ourselves, we can leave a heritage for our children that will last down through the generations.
