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Last month we looked at the importance of consistency in disciplining our children. This month we are going to look at the wider issues related to discipline.
The purpose of discipline is not to squash our children or force them to obey us so that we get our own way! Instead, the aim of discipline should be to release our children into their potential, to equip them to make good decisions later on in life, to nurture a healthy respect of authority and order and to help them to be considerate of others.
God is our loving heavenly father. He is also our model as to how to deal with our children. The Bible is clear that disciplining is an act of love. Indeed, the Bible in Proverbs 13:24 says that we hate our children if we never discipline them. If you have more than one child there shouldn't be any favourites. Romans 2:11 tells us that God does not show favouritism, and nor should we. Each child is different and responds to different measures, but we should seek to be fair and consistent with all of them.
One of the most wonderful families I have ever met had four children. Three children were your model children, but the fourth appeared to be from a different stock. The parents loved all their children the same, treated them the same and cared for them equally, but their fourth child always seemed to be in trouble. One day when his mum went to collect him from school his teacher took her to one side just to warn her ... her son was covered in paint from head to toe. Instead of scolding him she asked what had happened. He told her he had been shot by a friend and then the "blood had spread everywhere". They talked about how perhaps he should be more careful in the future, and then washed his clothes when they got home. The boy had learnt his lesson. Over time he gradually matured to be a well-rounded child, just like the other members of the family.
The discipline we give to our children is part of our parental relationship with them and should be always given in love. God disciplines us because he loves us, yet his disciplining of us isn't all there is to our relationship with him. Rather, he disciplines us because of his relationship with us.
It is easy to become a parent - you only need to give birth - but to be a good parent requires a strong relationship to be formed, over time, with your children. If all you are ever doing with your children is telling them off then it is your responsibility as the parent to break the negative cycle. Have fun together, talk about life, and share with your children.
Children are placed in families by God. As a parent in a family, seek to make the family home as happy and stable a place as possible. This will oil the pathway for discipline when it is required and will produce a host of happy childhood memories for your child to reflect on.
Listen to your child's perspective and value it. Not only will this help you as you build your relationship, but you will be able to understand why they are reacting to particular sanctions in a particular way. This does not mean that you necessarily have to agree with your child but you should try to see things from your child's perspective. This will help you to make decisions that are fair, even if they are not popular.
It is also important that your child understands the "whys' of a particular action. For example, say "Don't touch the oven because it can burn you!" rather than just "Don't touch the oven." Or say, "You cannot go further than the shop, because that part of town can be quite dangerous, but when you turn 12 I will let you go further."
By bringing your child into the disciplining process you will build trust with them. If your children break this trust they will feel the hurt of your disappointment as they now value your friendship more.
The Bible instructs us to "let our "yes' be "yes' and our "no' be "no.'" Once your children learn that "no means "no' they will soon stop pestering you.
It is important that where both parents are together they agree on the boundaries. So when mum says "No!" dad should also say "No!" Children are smart. They will soon learn which parent to go to for what.Where there is genuine disagreement, talk it through as parents so that with your children there can be a set boundary. But you can't be united if you are drifting apart. Many parents choose to take an evening a week as their "date night', away from their children, to help maintain their relationship.
With every child there are unique seasons. There are seasons of helpfulness and seasons of shouting. Every difficult season will come to an end and by remaining loving, consistent and seeking always to nurture the relationship with your child, you will help your child to speed through to the other side. Remember countless other children (perhaps you as well) have been through what they are going through. Identifying the seasons will help target your prayers for your children as you nurture them. Expect more from yourself than your children. You should become the living example of right kind of behaviour for them. Always seek to enforce a higher standard for your life than for your children.
